


Deep In My Heart

by robingurl



Category: Cats - Andrew Lloyd Webber RPF
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-18
Updated: 2021-02-18
Packaged: 2021-03-13 11:34:53
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,793
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29525793
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/robingurl/pseuds/robingurl
Summary: A different look at how things could have started between Jake and John. Does turn explicit at the end. TW: Depression and other mental health.
Relationships: John Partridge / Jacob Brent





	Deep In My Heart

**Author's Note:**

> This super long fiction starts off my AU for CATS RPS called Little Prince. Also this ENTIRE fic comes from a random song from Britney Spears called "Deep In My Heart".

Warnings: There is A LOT of Jacob Brent angst goin' on. o_O Don't ask me why but there is. xD And lots of talk of dark topics. Just know that everything will be ok by the end. 

Little Prince Series: Deep In My Heart  
By Robin Gurl

Why was I here again? And with that kid that followed Michael around everywhere? I'm no baby sitter. Why did I offer to keep an eye on him? Just so Michael could go on that date? What a waste of my afternoon and night. I sighed crossing my arms and leaning back against the wall. "Jake why are you doing it again? Jesus Christ, you've done it 10 times already."

He froze in his dance and twirled around and stared at me. I watched his face drop and his smile disappeared. I'd forgotten that he hates to cause anyone to be anything but happy. I sighed again and held up a hand when he tried to talk. "Just forget it ok? Go on and dance."

"No." He said softly walking over to me. "I can't."

"What your legs broken? Go on out there. If you want to practice go ahead." I pleaded again backing up more into the wall. I couldn't let him get to close and see how my body was responding to him. Hell I couldn't believe it either. I'd fallen for him. But I couldn't let him know so I just acted all mean around him. Like any other boy I came in contact with he thought I hated him. 

"No, you're just..just mad at me.." He told me softly. "I'll stop. What do you want to do?"

I didn't have anything I wanted to do. I had freed up my entire afternoon so I could watch him dance. This time I had to and couldn't get caught staring like what happened during practice. We were alone in the big studio in the middle of August in New York. Filming was starting in two weeks in London but Gillian had split up the cast and sent one half to New York and the other half to her studio in London. It was to complicated. All I knew was that I was here. Along with Ken Page, Jason Gardiner, Bryn Walters and Michael Gruber. Oh and Jacob Brent. 

Jacob Brent being the one standing in front of me. The one I'd some how fallen for. The kitten that followed Michael Gruber around with wide brown eyes ready to do anything for him on a whim. The perfect Mistoffelees according to Gillian and Trevor, who were still fawning over their new found treasure. I felt sorry for Jake it was embarrassing but at least it hadn't gone to his head. 

"Jake, it's alright," I said again in a softer voice turning him around and giving him a gentle push back to where he was. I slid down on the ground to show that I wasn't going anywhere and smiled at him. "Go on and Dance. See? I'm not moving.'

Wait why did I just go all soft on him? Hell what is happening to me? First I'm living in New York with all of these pansy dancers. Second I'm *liking* it. Third I've fallen for a boy younger than me and definitely not my type. Fourth I'm going all soft. Talk about being in a life changing experience.

I heard his music start up again and laid back against the wall closing my eyes. My breathing slowed and all I could hear was Jake's heaving breathing and his feet hitting the floor. The weird thing was I felt amazingly content. 

After a few minutes I heard his feet stop moving. "Jake," I mumbled, "What's wrong, kitten?"

I cracked open one eye when I didn't get a response and saw with blurry vision his head back and eyes staring up at the window. Both eyes were wide and round as saucers. "Kitten?" Once again he didn't move and I stood up and stumbled over to him still half dazed. "Jake, what is- woah.."

"John, maybe we oughta head back, you think..?" Jake finally responded. 

"Yeh, that maybe a good idea..bloody hell, you weren't kidding..." I whistled and took in the dark clouds over head. "So you driving or what?"

"John, you don't drive in New York." He stepped past me his usual bundle of energy again and stopped the CD player. Taking his CD out and putting it back in its case he threw it in his red book bag then undid his fake tail and threw that in there. Then he plopped on his knees and searched thoroughly for something and finally brought out his red baseball cap. "You walk."

"Walking with *that* over head? Are you bloody insane?"

His dark head looked up at me and he shrugged "Duh know, Michael says I'm slightly crazy.."

"Yeh? Well I'd believe it.." I retorted shaking my head. "I can not believe we're doing this? Wait!" I threw my hands up frustrated following him out the door of the studio. "Yes I can. I'm with you."

He stopped and turned around eyes glistening with tears. "I'm sorry, ok? Unless you've got a better idea, please shut up." Then he started quickly down the side walk. I stared from the stairs wide eyed. He had never barked at me before. 

I ran after him pulling the collar of my coat tighter. "Jake, wait up. I don't know my way around this city."

"Figure it out yourself." He shouted with out turning his head. "I don't need you insulting everything I do. They have free tourist maps across the street in the Tourist Center I'm sure they could help."

"Jake.." I tried again. I slumped over in the middle of the busy side walk watching his head get tinier. "Good job Partridge. You idiot." I punched the wall and started to run his direction. Michael was going to kill me.

Over head lightening flashed and thunder boomed. I quickened my pace. I had a really scary thought that Jake was scared of thunder. He just seemed the type to be scared of things like a little child. "JACOB?" Many men turned around and stared at me at once. "Not you bumbling idiots. Out of my way." 

Pushing past them the crowd slowly lessened. It should be easy to catch up to him now. I started a sprint and dodged anyone who got in my way. When I saw him I nearly cried with happiness. My life was saved. I wasn't dead after all. "Jake?!" He froze and turned around looking at me like I was a ghost. "You ok?" 

"You just don't give up do you?" He asked placing his hands on his hips and glaring at me. 

"No," I grinned sheepishly, "Can't say I ever have. I apologize for earlier ok?" 

His face softened a bit and he nodded. "We're 20 streets away. And the storm is starting we'd better hurry if we're planning on being half dry."

"You know, I'm not trying to be mean but Michael never said anything about you having claws or being this feisty." He turned his head and grinned at me flashing me the Jacob Brent smile. I raised my eyebrows and rolled my eyes. "Right, ok, so I'm the special one."

"Special? Maybe. Annoying? Yes." His evil smirk caught me off guard and my mouth fell open. I sped up to keep up with him and finally walked beside him. "Slow for an old man aren't you?"

"Old?! Excuse me I'm four months older than you are short stuff." 

"Now I'm being called short? Full of insults aren't you?" Jake retorted crossing his arms as we walked through the crowds.

"Ok what is up with your 'I'm an adult act'? I know you don't usually act like this..so whats up?"

"Someone has to give it back to you. And you hurt me. I don't act like myself around idiots like you. Your kind of men don't appreciate cuteness so why bother?"

"Jake-"

"It's alright ok? When we get back to the apartment you can go flirt with Jason or what ever. Ok? It's alright. I wasn't trying to flirt and now I'm pretty sure you weren't here to watch me dance because you wanted. So just leave me be." I noticed his eyes were watering and I felt so bad. I had gone to far. 

"Jake what would you-"

"It's Jacob, alright? Jake is reserved for nice people." He tugged his book bag on tighter and didn't look at me. 

"Alright, Jacob. What would you say if I told you wanted to see you dance today?" 

"I'd laugh and not believe it. Not even Michael wants to watch me dance for as long as you were forced to today, and you weren't even paid. At least Lenny was paid to do it."

"Paid? Of course I wasn't paid. Who is Lenny?"

"Lenny, the other guy who Michael usually gets to watch me. It's alright I'm used to it. I know Michael begged you to keep an eye on me so I wouldn't "hurt" myself and he could relax on his date."

"Alright." I finally said in my Tugger commanding voice. "Freeze right there."

"What?"

"You are going to shut up and let someone love and take care of you for once. No baby sitting. This is because I want to." 

He gave me an incredulous look and made a face and said "What ever.." Rolled his eyes and started to walk again.

I grabbed his hand and grasped it tightly holding his arm so he couldn't go any further. "What did I just say? I said freeze." I growled. If he wanted a mean Tugger he was going to get one. 

"Let me go." He glared at me hot tears forming. "You aren't going to love me. You are going to leave me like Lenny and Michael."

"Who said that? I never said it. You are just thinking it cause you got in your head that its true." I held on tighter and pulled him closer. 

"Let_Me_Go." He shouted. 

I pulled him into my arms and hugged him. He broke down and cried in my chest sobbing and shaking. "Jacob, shhh, it's alright. I know it hurts..shhh let it out.." 

"What..are you doing..?"

"I'm hugging you.." I knelt down in front of him and wiped his tears away then hugged him to me again. He fell to his knees and clung. "I'm giving you what Michael and Lenny should have been giving you all along. Love. I'm loving you."

During the second hug I felt his mask wash away in the flood of tears and he felt smaller in my arms. No longer the big talking Jacob Brent but the one the fangirls loved. The very gay boy who was just good at dancing and making people smile. 

"Sorry..." He croaked. "I'm sorry...don't..don't let go..."

"Jacob, I'm not letting go.." The wind blew around us and I stood up holding his body as close to mine as I could get it. He hid his head in my side as I started walking again. "We need to get home or we will be soaked. Can't have that." I kissed his hair and saw a tiny glimpse of a smile appear before disappearing again.

The whole way home I kept trying to imagine how Jake..I mean Jacob lived like he did. Never showing his true self. What amazed me was just how childish he really was. The fan girls thought he had some maturity to him but the real Jake had none.

Just as I said the comment about the rain it started to drizzle. I held Jake's body closer to mine if possible to try and shield him from the rain. "Jacob, we're gunna get soaked..run!" 

We both started to sprint together down the street. I kept a hand gripped as tightly as it could on his hand and pulled him behind me as I ran like a whirlwind. The rain was cold here even in the summer and it made the temperature drop almost immediately. Not cold enough to be freezing if dry. But enough if you were wet.

"John-!" Right as he shouted my name the downpour started. I yanked him underneath an over hang and watched it pour. You could hardly see the streets now. "Woah its raining."

I rolled my eyes and kissed his forehead. "Yes, oh smart kitten, it's raining." I immediately regretted saying that as he pulled away and wrapped his arms around himself not looking at me. I scratched my neck with discomfort and kicked some gravel out in the sidewalk to show my frustration. Damn it. You really did have to be careful with this kid. "Jacob, I'm sorry!! Really, I didn't mean that in a mean way." He just nodded and shivered silently. Ow. This hurt to see how much a little joking could get him like this.

"John, I want to go home please. Can we continue?" Jacob asked softly.

That was either a I'm trying to be nice or it was a I'm terrified of being insulted again so don’t mess with me tone. I took that as a nice tone and nodded giving him a whop sided grin. "Of course. As long as you won't melt."

Jake slightly cringed at me and I let my mouth drop. "Kitten, what is it?"

"I'm sorry..." He dropped his head and started to cry. "Its stupid.."

I shook my wet arms off and walked over to him not letting him pull away and knelt down to the ground stroking the back of his head. I brought his face to my shoulder and let it lay there. "Shh, my kitten, what's wrong? I have not meant to make fun of you at all in the past few minutes. I know very well what's wrong. You're afraid to let go. You're wall is up so high isn't it? Oh Jacob...shhh.."

Just like last time Jake's big bad demeanour fell and he cried nodding. "s..sorry.."

"Don't be sorry. I just need to learn to be careful for a bit. Ok?"

He nodded silently not letting go of me. I noticed a sweatshirt sticking out of his book bag that had come unzipped and pulled it out. It was a huge CATS hoodie. I felt the rest of the cloth it was dry. This might keep him warm. "Jacob, lets dress you in this." He lifted his head and stared at me then nodded again with no voice. I kissed him on the lips and helped dress him like a child. Amazingly so Jake allowed me to do this to him.

"John..you can call me Jake." He sniffled in my shoulder.

I beamed at that comment. That meant I was getting trusted again. "Thank you, Jake. Now," I surveyed the streets. Still a downpour. "I'm not taking no for an answer. A slap maybe but that’s a maybe..."

He stared up at me with wide eyes obviously wondering what I was going to do that would make him want to slap me. I grinned and ruffled the tousled spiky hair. "You are going to hold on for me and I'm going to run!" He let out a girlish wail as I gathered him in my arms hefting him on my hip in less than a second and was sprinting out side in the cold August rain. 

When we got back to the Apartment building I heard a distinct wheezing noise and tried to ignore it not thinking it'd be Jake. I pressed the code on the keypad and the door dinged. It slowly opened and I rushed in still carrying the wet Jacob Brent on my shoulder. Now he started to claw at me and pound my back. "Ok, Ok Jake, easy, you can get down now."

Bright red he got stablized on his feet and ran both hands through his now drenched hair and tried to make it spike again. It failed each time drooping in his eyes and dripping down his face. He gave me a perturbed drenched kitten look with full pouting lips and kitten eyes.

I stifled a chuckle and shrugged not sure what he wanted me to do. "Well we're here, want to go up and get dry?" 

He nodded silently and thrusted his wet book bag at me and started up the stairs. "Hey wait a minute! What's the with the Attitude now?!" I ran after him and he kept going not turning around. This kid was a piece of work. I didn't understand him. 

At the door I opened it and saw the heads of Micheal and Jason over the couch. Jake walked in quickly and didn't give a notion or a hello completely ignoring him. I held the book bag still and waved silently at them. Micheal stood followed by Jason and they walked over to me.

"What's wrong with him, Mate?" Jason asked wide-eyed as the door slammed. 

"If you knew, I'd bloody pay you to tell me." I mumbled glaring at the closed door. "Michael, for God's Sake you didn't tell me about this kid's mental frame of mind."

"What mental frame of mind?"

"Well for one he runs through so many emotions a second its like I was keeping up my sister. Second he's got a mental wall around him that no one can get through. Something is just wrong."

"You tried to flirt with him didn't you?" I gave Micheal a wide eyed glance and nodded. He sighed and took the back pack from me. "Just stop it, ok?"

"Micheal, freeze! What is going on?"

"Just stop it. Stop flirting with him. You are only going to make it worse." 

"I'm making it worse? What is there to make worse? The kid already thinks all of his friends hate him. What more can I screw up?" 

"Look, Jake prefers his life this way, ok? He feels uncomfortable being loved and cared for. He's got it in his thick skull that everyone hates him and that he shouldn't be loved. I don't know what happened before us, but all I know is that it's not worth it. You're wasting your time."

"I'm not wasting my time, Mike." I replied taking the wet book bag back in my own hands. "I'm going to go talk to him."

"Why? He'll just reject you."

I stopped mid stride and turned around glaring. "Have you *tried* Micheal? Have you? Or have you just assumed that he wants to live the life of a hermit? People don't just decide that on their own, ass hole. Something seriously happened to Jake so I'm going to figure it out."

Micheal didn't have anything to respond with and shrugged silently. I turned back around and knocked on Jake's door. "Jacob. Open the door, it's John!" 

"Go 'way."

"No I'm not going 'way. Now open this door or I'll open it myself." I growled pressing against it. 

"I said GO_AWAY." He shouted again. 

"Jake, kitten, come on, open the door. This is a little ridiculas. You can talk to me. I'm not going to laugh at you." I backed away from the door and stood there arms at my side trying to look calm. 

"How do I know that? I know why you were nice earlier. And it's not gunna work again. You are all mean. I want out. I want to go home." The little voice sounded like it was breaking. It was hoarse and I knew he was crying. 

I took a deep breath and leaned against the door banging my head on it. "Jake, what can I do to show you I'm not making fun of you?" 

"You can't do nothing. Ok? I just suck. So leave me alone."

"Jacob Brent, I'm going to talk to you one way or another." I shouted glancing back at Micheal and Jason who were staring wide eyed. "So we can do it face to face or you can talk to me through the door."

"Are you alone?" 

"Alone? Jake we live in a house with five other people-"

"Are_You_Alone." He pressed again.

"I can be if that’s what it takes."

I glared over to Micheal and gave him the 'fuck off' sign. He glared back and tried to protest silently then pulled the confused Jason by the arm out the door. I looked in the bed rooms beside us and saw Bryn asleep. Ken must be out. I'd be safe to say I was "alone" now. 

"Kitten, I'm alone."

"Promise..?"

"Yes, I promise. We're alone in the apartment, Jake. You can look yourself."

"No not looking." Came the sharp response.

"Well are you going to open the door?"

"No."

"Ok. So we're talking here?"

"Yes."

"Well if we do you are answering more than with a yes or no. Got it?"

He went silent and I knew he agreed. I sat down on the floor and leaned against the door. "So talk, kitten."

"Talk bout what?'

"You. What is going on in that brain of yours?"

"Why do you care, John?"

"Because I'm worried. No one should ever want to live alone and go through what you do every second of their life."

I heard a long dragged out annoyed sigh then a shakey breath and heard knees pop as he sat down on the other side of the door. Good he was relaxing. I was getting somewhere.

"I live like this cos I want to."

"Wrong answer. Try again, kid."

After a full 10 minutes of silence I heard a whisper, "Cos I gotta. No one loves me..and when no one loves you..you gotta be lonely. Everyone laughs at me cos I look weird. Not cool like everyone else. So I'm alone. I'm lonely. Its just the way some people are. Expecially ugly people."

I felt my heart start beating. How could he think like this? About himself no less? I wanted the door to be open so I could hold him close and try and reassure him. "Oh-Jake!"

"What at least I know I'm ugly. Other people dun. I dun even look good as Mistoffelees. Hips bulge out and cheeks are fat. It's gross. I still can't believe Gillain hired me. I've been starving to try and get down to a lower weight and look better but its not working and it's not fair. All I want to do is be pretty. Be beautiful and be loved."

"Jacob, you *are* pretty and beautiful." I pressed my cheek agaisnt the door and heard his shakey breathing. He was crying. "Oh, Jake. Open the door, let me help."

"No.." I heard him start sobbing. "I'm safe here. No one can hurt me. Jakie is safe here. No evil people. Just Jakie." He cried. 

"I think Jakie needs some loving right now." I said softly stroking the wooden door trying to get through to him. 

"No.." Then it went silent.

I sat there for 20 minutes and my head was pounding to the beat of my heart. I had heard him whisper "I'm alone now..finally.." and that was it. 

A sudden morbid thought came into my mind and I shot up and started to run my hands across the top of the door frame cursing for not thinking of this earlier. God Damn just pray I'm not to late. "Please Jakie, don't do anything *stupid*." I kept murmuring. I finally found it and ran back to his door. 

I pushed the "key" into the lock and swung open the door. "Jake are you- Bloody hell." I ran over and grabbed his hand forcing the blade out of it and throwing it out in the hall way. Both his wrists were streaming blood and he lifted his head to glare at me with silent empty eyes. I could feel the hurt exploding from them. "Jakie..Jake..dear God..no..no..stop...let John clean this up. Oh..Jacob.." 

Blood was everywhere. On him, me, the carpet, his dressor. I kept a vise grip on his waist not letting him go. He squirmed and clawed at me but I continued to hold him. "Bryn get your lazy arse out of bed. I need help NOW!" I roared trying to hold Jake still. 

Bryn wobbled in wiping his eyes on my command then jerked awake running towards us. "What the fuck is going- Oh God..Jacob..?" Jake hissed at him and clawed his arm as he grabbed one of the flaying arms. "John what is going on?"

"Just help me get him pinned before he hurts himself again. He's trying to kill himself." 

Between the both of us we got Jake tied to his bed arms and legs wrapped around the bed posts with socks that had been laying around. His chest was heaving painfully as he tried to pull free but soon gave up and laid there spread eagle crying and sobbing. 

Bryn stared in shock at both his hands bloodied up from Jake's wrists. Tears were streaming down my eyes and I just couldn't stop. Why, who did this to him? To want to take his own life? Who didn't love him enough? I walked over and sat down beside him. I stroked his cheek and he flinched away like I'd hitten him. 

"Jakie, shhh.." I said soothingly, "Calm down. You really don't want to do this. Just take a deep breath and calm down. I'm not leaving you. I'm staying right here. Shh, we'll fix up the wrists it'll be ok."

"No one loves me!" Jake shouted. "I want to go! At least in Heaven God Loves the Ugly People. LET ME GO." This time his strength snapped the socks and he broke free. I grabbed him in my arms and held him. Squirming was impossible when I did this. 

"What about me?" Hm? What about John? I Love You." I shouted.

He continued to squirm and shake his head. "Let it go, Jake. Let it go. Let it go, baby, just let it go. You are a beautiful boy, a darling Mistoffelees. No need to destroy that now. I know you're hurting, baby. Let me help fix it. No one will hurt you again. I promise." I rocked him as he started to slowly calm down. 

Now he just cried in my chest. I looked up to Bryn who was pale in the face still over the bloodied room. We were going to need to move Jake out of his room and into mine until it got cleaned up. 

"That's it, Jakie, shhhh, John's here.." I said shakily. I felt his hands grip me tightly. "There, I'm here. Tugger is here. Your Tugger is here now. Everything is going to be ok. I'll take the time and I'll give you the loving you deserve."

"..you..promise..?"

"Yes, baby, I promise. I do." I lifted him and stared down in to his brown eyes and leaned down and kissed him long and passionately. He didn't pull away this time or struggle. He melted against me and I felt his lips get hotter against mine. I pulled away and kissed his forehead. His eyes were closed in a content fashion. I kissed him again. "You *are* loved Jake. I love you. I don't give a fucking care what the world thinks. *I* *LOVE* *YOU*."

I pulled away and watched a flood of tears stream down from the closed lashes and his face contorted and he clung to me and cried again. I wrapped my arms around him and continued to rock him silently tears in my own eyes as I realized how close I was to really losing him.

After I was sure he'd calmed down enough I stroked his hair and turned back to Bryn. "Bryn, go and get us some first aid. I'm taking him to my room for now."

Bryn nodded shakily and ran out the door. After he was gone I lifted Jake in my arms careful not to upset him in anyway. I felt his head drop onto my shoulder and I rubbed his back soothingly. "That's it, relax, beautiful one, relax. You've been through it today, it's ok. It's alllright.." I whispered as I helped him wrap his arms around my neck then stood and helped him wrap his legs around my waist. 

Once in my room I laid him down on the bed. He clung to me instead and started to whimper. I smiled warmly and settled myself on my side and let him press himself as close to me as possible. "There we go, Kitten. Sweet Jakie, look at me. I want to see your beautiful face. It's so pretty.." I whispered when he lifted his head obediatently and let me stroke it. 

I ran my fingers up and down his cheek and around both eyes and under his nose and around his lips. I could feel a little stream of hot air emitting from the full red pouting lips. I traced their shape and leaned down to place a soothing kiss on them. Who ever said he was ugly was wrong, dead wrong. This boy was gorgeous in everyway. With lips like that what man wouldn't want him as a boy friend?

He blushed deep red and gave me a surprised look after the kiss. "What is it?" I breathed fingering his sweaty spikes. "What's wrong?"

"You..you've kissed me..twice.." Tears welled up. "And..you..you..." 

"Yes?"

"You wanted to?" He finally got out.

"Of course I wanted to. No body is paying me to do this." He sat up at that and stared down at me brown eyes streaming more tears. I couldn't figure out where he stored all of those tears. With as many as he had there wasn't a place big enough. I reached up and wiped them off and smiled warmly up at him.

"You..wanted..to..kiss me..?" 

"Yes, I wanted to kiss you." I sat up and pulled his chin to me and kissed him again. I felt tears splash down on my fingers and opened my eyes. An endless stream of tears were falling at an alarming rate. He just stayed there eyes open not blinking and crying. 

"Baby, talk to me." 

"I'm..I'm..loved..." 

"Yes, you are.."

He collapsed against me and buried his face in my chest and sobbed loudly apologizing for wanting to die and other things. He wore himself out and afterwards just flopped face forward where he was and lay there.

"Shh, it's ok. You were stressed and upset. I knew you didn't really want to, kitten. It's ok." I stroked his back and hair and neck just trying to love him. Give him all of the love that he'd missed out on for how ever long. 

After that incident Jake had stuck by my side like a puppy dog or really a kitten. I have found out that Jake is allergic to dogs and so that wouldn't really be a good idea. It'd taken Bryn and I all afternoon to stop the blood flow and then Jake was sick and had to stay in bed for three weeks to regain his strength.

After that though, a new Jake had formed. I could not believe how childish and happy he was. It warmed your heart to see him bouncing around and giggling. Yes folks, I said giggling. He has the most girlish giggle I'd ever heard on a boy. My favourite giggle is the content giggle. He'll come up to you and nuzzle your side and giggle into your waist.

He's a close contact needing physical love kind of boy. He always wants my touch some how. Usually it's handholding or an arm around his shoulders or waist. Or when we sit down he's either glued to my side or sitting on my lap leaning back into me with his head tucked neatly under my chin.

Today I've promised him if he let me finish my work we could go to the dance studio and he could practice as long as he wanted. So I've got a very squirming Jake staring at me with whimpering brown eyes on the window seat with both arms locked together between his thighs and blue jean shorts covered legs bobbing back and forth hitting the back board of the seat.

He was already dressed for the occasion wearing a red t-shirt with his red hat (which was on and smooshing the perfect curls that I'd spiked this morning for him in the bathroom before practice) with the J on it and little girlish shorts. They came a little past his upper thigh but fit him perfectly.

I worked hard on my papers that I had to feel out for West End quickly so I could get my Mistoffelees to his favourite place in the world other than my arms (he told me so one night before bed) and let him dance off his built up and saved energy.

I finally dropped the pen and let it bang on the table shooting up so fast it interrupted Micheal and Jason who were making out on the couch and they both fell off onto the floor. I ignored them and rushed over to my kitten and gathered him in my arms twirlling him around like a little child. He shrieked happily and laid his head on my shoulder. "Ready to go dance or are we to sleepy?"

He nodded enthusiastically and then looked over my head at the pile of limbs. "Woah and you call me klutlzy John..lookit them.."

"I know." I rolled my eyes. "Makes you wonder doesn't it?" I turned around sniggering in Jake's ear and he giggled girlishly. "How they got into CATS.."

"Partridge you're a dead Tugger when you return."

"Threatening people now, Munkustrap? Go finish your Alonzo off and we'll be back." Jake made a cute screwed up grossed out face as I walked out the door grabbing the shiny red book bag on my way out with Jake still in my arms. 

"Finish Alonzo off? What's he mean by that?" Jake whispered cocking his head. 

"Hmm? It means make kittens with two guys." 

"Oh, have sex." Jake replied. 

"Yeh, have sex."

"Am I pretty enough for you to want to make kittens with me?" His question was soft and could hardly been heard.

I stopped in mid stride and looked over and down at him. "Of course you are. Dear God, what do you think?"

"Well you just haven't done it yet. And didn’t know.."

His voice was getting shakier. He was getting scared. I nuzzled his neck and tried to think where I could remedy this problem and quickly. "Just hang in there, baby. The right time will come. I promise." I put my forehead to his and gave him a smile. He smiled back weakly at me and then I kissed his lips. He tasted so good. He mmed in my mouth and wrapped his arms around my neck, balletically arching his back. He was even beautiful when being kissed.

Jake was just beautiful anytime. I actually found myself getting aroused when watching him throw up. He is even graceful when he gets sick. The way his feet curled under his tiny arse and his toes pointed one way. The way his tiny hands gripped the toilet seat and the movement of his hips and how nothing else moved when he convulsed, but instead he'd go completely rigid.

"What is it?" He whispered as I pulled away staring longingly into his eyes. He blushed bright red and bit his lip. I kissed him again and put my finger up to his lips and pulled them apart.

"No biting. You're still not fully recovered from your bleeding spell and you know it. No need to make it worse."

"I am to getting better. I can dance for an hour without getting dizzy." He beamed proudly.

I know he could but it hurt so much to know how he used to dance compared to what he was doing now. The comparison was sickening. Since the suicidal accident and loosing all of his blood, Jacob Brent had been confined to a bed then started on short walking distances that were from the bathroom back to his bed. Then a little longer to the kitchen. Finally to the front door and back. And then started dancing for 5 minutes then to 10 and so on. Finally he'd gotten to where he could dance vigorously for an hour without getting dizzy.

"John, can ya put me down? I wanna walk a bit!!" He pawed at me like a kitten and nuzzeled my forehead this time kissing me then giving me kitten eyes. "Please!??" He put both hands out in front of him in a prayer position and turned the kitten eyes on full force.

I couldn't say no to that. I'd just watch him carefully. I kneeled down and sat him on his feet afraid to let go. I didn't want him to walk. Even though he was going to have to dance later, I wanted him to be rested and energized before he danced not tired from walking. I know this sounds off for everyone but Jake's condition is *bad*. He can not walk long distances anymore. He gets to tired and will literally collapse and work himself into a fever before its over with.

The doctor told us that Jake had lost so much blood he may not live. So the boy was lucky. My heart beats at that statement as I hear the doctor saying it in my head over and over again. It's replaying as I stare at Jake. The paleness was gone and he wasn't as ghostly white anymore. He'd gotten his tan back and his rosie cheeks were glowing. But he was still a sick kitten and I knew that whether he wished to admit it or not.

I had been there the entire time not letting him go. He had clung to me as the stitches were put in. Nine on each wrist. And then for a week and a half, thankfully the week he was to weak to move, both of his hands and arms from his elbows to his finger tips had been neatly and tightly bandaged in white gauze. Apparently to prevent any other suicide attempts.

Now and for the next month he was on "suicide watch". The doctor said Jake was not allowed to be on his own for any amount of time and we were to walk everywhere with him. At least one person had to be in his room when he got dressed and when he was in the shower someone had to be there with him. We all had our assigned jobs. Jason watched him eat. Michael watched him get dressed. Bryn walked him to the store and back. I helped him go to the bathroom and shower and Ken got anything else we couldn't handle.

And to add to the frustration every time he went to his room we had to frisk him. He couldn't even have a pencil on him. If he did we had to confiscate it. Our drawers in the kitchen was locked. We were sharing one razor that was in the locked drawer. Just anything half sharp was dulled or hidden and locked up.

And if he did have to use anything sharp he had to be supervised to the max. Someone *had* to be *there* *beside him* when he was writing watching him so he wouldn't try and poke himself with it. I felt sorry for him but I knew it was for his own good.

Thankfully though Jake wasn't the rebel type. He just obeyed and silently stared at us and didn't complain. I was expecting a full-fledged fight but it never came. As long as we treated him like a child and loved and coddled him he obeyed. If we treated him like his age he got a little frustrated and would start backing down on orders.

"John, it's ok.." He whispered kissing my forehead. I looked up tears shining. I couldn't hold them in and they started to slide down my cheeks. I reached up and pulled him down with me on the sidewalk. He nuzzled my neck and let me cling to him. I just wanted to know my Jake, my kitten, wasn't dead or on death row, he was here with me and giggling in my arms.

"God, Jakie, I'm sorry..I just..I can't let you go yet..can I please carry you to the studio? I need to hold you right now." I opened my eyes and saw through the tears he was nodding shakily.

"No, do not be sorry. This is John's mind this time. Nothing Jakie did at all. Understand?" He nodded and I gathered him back up sitting him on my hip. He laid his head down on my shoulder and let stroke his hair. Jake purred repeatedly for me. I knew it was for me. He only purrs for me. "Good kitten, thank you. I'll try and let you walk when we get closer, ok?"

"..kay.." He replied yawning.

"..kay.." He replied yawning. 

After 30 minutes my arms were getting tired. Not that he was heavy, even though he had gained 35 pounds and was up to 135. Yes, folks, Jacob Brent was 100 pounds before the incident and was put on a strict diet to gain or stay in the hospital. Gillian almost fired him on the spot but we all talked her into it and she agreed to let him stay if Jake gained and got up to standard weight. It wasn't hard since Jake had the biggest appetite of a dancer on the planet but his metabolism was so fast he burned most of his calories and fat off before they could set in. We had to get him to sit down and lay and be lazy for two weeks before he started to fill out at all.

Even then it was hard to keep him still. His fastest weight gain was during the week he was to sick to move. Jason, Bryn, Michael and I stayed up at all hours of the night getting food down him. Soft foods like soup and ice cream. And drinks like orange juice and milk. It took us 2 hours to get down a regular glass of milk through a straw, that was how weak he was. He tired out when he'd get to half and not be able to drink the rest. To weak to suckle. So we' dhave to wait and then try again.

A regular bowl of soup took three hours if he was strong enough to open and swallow. If not it took a good five hours. And we'd have to keep reheating the soup to sooth him. It hurt so much to see those full pouting lips wrapping around the spoon then not have enough muscle to suck the soup off it. He'd stare at me void of life and I’d sooth and encourage him softly trying not to cry myself and ask him to try and that he could asleep afterwards if he was a good kitten and got through the whole spoonful. It wasn't until the end of the week that Jake could actually *eat* a full bowl of soup. Before then it was a couple of spoonfuls. And by a couple I mean 2 was a meal. It was all his stomach could handle.

I placed my hand on his stomach and was just happy it was there and not bones or concaved. When he breathed it pouted out round and taut now. Which is what I wanted. I wanted to cry with joy. And the wrists were scabbing up which brought me to another discovery about Jake. The little sly kitten he was had a bad habit of picking at the scabs. So he'd be bleeding and we'd ask why and his ears would "flatten" and we'd find out he had picked at them again. Next step would be a bandaid that would be taken off by the end of it. 

I also forgot to mention how we had to get him dressed for the day or to go dancing. The first time he was deemed ok to go out he was to weak to dress himself. Jake's body couldn't stay up for long and Bryn and I were already prepared to take long and frequent breaks at any outside cafe that was closest when we needed it. But we werent prepared to have to dress him. It took us three hours.

The first 15 minutes he did fine and got his clothes off and managed to make a matching outfit of hip hugger jeans (yes Jake wears girl jeans, size 6 at the Gap) and a tight red t-shirt that showed his girlish figure just right. If only he wasnt so sick I could tell Bryn was just as ready as I was to take and break him right there. 

But as we waited outside we heard a thump. We threw open the door only to see Jake on his knees crying my name weakly. I had run over to him afraid he'd reopened the stitches and just noticed he was crying. Bryn asked what was wrong obviously as worried as I was. All we got was that he was to weak to stand. "Tired" as he had said. "Tired..can't stand.." I picked him up and Bryn grabbed the clothes. Together we dressed him like he was a human doll. He could barely lift his limbs to help us at all. He was a completely dead weight. 

Before long I felt Jake kicking me out my daze when I walked into a light pole. "Ow.." I muttered shaking my head. He giggled and wriggled out of my arms. I had no choice but to let him down this time. As soon as he was gone my hands went up to my nose. I heard him laughing from where he was standing. 

"John you're funny. You like slept walked right into the pole!" He shrieked like a girl and giggled some more his hands covering his mouth. Then I heard a snort. 

"Ha ha ha." I turned around and grinned at him, placing my hands on my hips. "Everyone laugh at the Tugger."

"Sorry..."

"Is ok! Is ok!" I pulled him close and together we started to walk again. It felt like normal again. Him skipping around me in circles and I trying to get him to calm down before he hurt himself. 

"Yay! We're there!" He charged forward and ran. I felt my heart go to my mouth. 

"Jake- CAREFUL!"

"I am." He shouted back. 

He stopped at the door and I nearly fainted from fretting when I saw his body fall. I started to sprint scared at what I was going to see. I had Bryn's cell phone on speed dial since everyone else was off practicing for CATS. It was his day off. And he knew how to help me w/ Jake. He had been there when all of this had happened and because of it, Bryn, Jake, and I had all gotten very close. 

I guess it's just not something you can help. After saving someones life you are closer to the person on a more personal non sexual note. And Bryn and I were no different. 

"Jake?" I cried.

I heard him grunt and got over to him huffing out of breath and saw him pawing at the door. I wanted to hurt him so much right now. I counted to 10 three times and glared. "Jacob Brent, what the bloody hell do you think you are doing?"

He tipped his head back to look up at me, open mouthed. "Door wun open..." Then he twisted over sideways at a weird angle and went on pawing at the crack in the door like a cat wanting to be let in.

"Jake, are you hurt? Did you think of using the *handle*? Were you trying to open that door by bodyslamming it?"

"Uh..." He went bright red and looked down at the ground. "Not hurt. Sorry," he muttered in a small voice.

I lifted him to his feet, held him by the shoulders and looked at him. He avoided my eyes guiltily. I tilted his chin up, gave him a quick reassuring smile, and kissed him. I knew what the problem was. He was too excited and probably too tired to think straight. He just wanted to be on the other side of that door and dancing. I brushed him down and subtly felt him over for injuries. "All right, Jakie. Let's dance."

His face lit up, and he wrapped his arms around my neck, holding tight even though it hurt his scars, and gave me a flurry of quick kisses. I could feel the smile on his lips. "Yeah! Let's dance!"

When we walked into the studio the first thing I saw was us. Far off, twice as far as the length of the room, one tall and one tiny figure holding hands, reflected in the mirrors. Jake let go of my hand and skidded out into the centre of the room with his arms flung out and spun as if he wanted to hug the whole studio.

I smiled and watched then walked over to the side to find the light before he hurt himself. Leave it to Jake to dance in the dark and wind up hurting himself. As soon as the light was flickered on I watched Jake run and do a skid falling to his knees and sliding to the CD player. I heard his content purring all the way over her. Jacob Brent was finally back where he belonged: In the Dance Studio. He searched through his red backpack and found the CD putting it in.

I heard the first notes of his number. No surprises there. "Jake..." Possibly the most knackering few minutes of dance Gillian had ever written, and he was going to try and do it, in his condition. He hadn't made it half way through it since his suicide attempt, though I caught him jittering and bouncing about in bed to it when he was too weak to walk.

I walked over to the CD player hoping to find a different CD. I knew though that Jake hadn't brought any other music. "Damn you boy." I cursed. I really did not want him dancing to this music yet. He wasn't strong enough to dance to Mistoffelees. "Jakie lets try a different song."

"John.." He put both hands on my arm. "This is like Christmas for me! Dun spoil it... I know I'll be tired but I just gotta dance Misto, it's been *so* long and it's like *itching* all the time or having to pee or..." He saw my expression. "Joooohn, c'mon, you want me to be happy, right?"

"Yes I do. But I think you will be a lot happier if you wait. Besides," I smirked and kissed him, "It's not a romantic duet is it?"

".....Uhhh......" He blushed and looked at the floor and doodled gracefully on it with a pointed toe. "Well, if you don't think it is.. uh..then it isn't..."

"Romantic..is classical ballet. With you as a Princess and I as your Prince? I brought a few CDs why don't you choose one?" I lifted his chin and kissed him. "This is what we would dance to if I could get you into that Gay theater in London and people would *love* it." He blushed prettily and adverted his eyes nodding.

Then a thought struck him and he looked up beaming. "Gay Theater? Did you ever see that one Swan Lake where the swans were all guys? They came on tour here and man... The Prince was the fragile one and the Swan was strong.. I've danced that on my own a lot of times and it'd be real nice to do it with a real Swan to hold me up..."

I grinned. "Can do. As a matter of fact I auditioned for that part." I rummaged for my Swan Lake CD.

"The Swan? And you didn't get it? What is *wrong* with the world?"

The first notes of the music started.

"Right now, Jake?" I cupped his cheek and gave him a lopsided smile. "Nothing."

Neither of us remembered the moves exactly, but we made our own. I strutted like a swan, opened my arms and imagined I had powerful white wings to wrap around him and protect him.

I'd forgotten how perfect this dance was for me and Jake. The fragile Prince spun, looking lost and confused, collapsed and got up again, clung and then shrank away as if scared to get too close.

Jake was tiring quickly, though. After two minutes he was panting and starting to sway and miss beats here and there. I wanted to stop him, but I didn't have the heart. He had tears of happiness running down his face.

The music started to build and I remembered the lift that came here. I held out my arms and Jake jumped up and started to climb up me. I loved the feeling of his arms pawing at my chest. He was finally over my head and he did it. I felt his palms press against my shoulders and slowly he started to levitate himself off me and into the air. In about a minute he was doing a perfect balletic handstand. His tiny legs were bent and toes pointed straight. His eyes were closed making him look angelic. 

I noticed Jake wasn't a stiff as he had been. His arms were shaking and I looked up to late. His elbows collapsed. He fell on top of me. We crashed to the ground in a heap. Jake was shivering and clinging.

"Jakie, are you hurt? Tell me what hurts..." He said nothing. He was sobbing for breath and I could feel his heart pounding against my chest. Gently, I lifted his face from my shoulder. He looked really sick. Tears were streaming and he was biting his flushed bottom lip in pain.

"I danced John.." He was pale and crying but looked some how content. I nodded silently and he sat there cross-legged looking around still sobbing. "I danced. I'm not broken."

"Baby, of course you're not broken. Of course you're not." I stroked along his tangled legs and all up his panting sides, feeling for bruises.

"Yeh but I thought I was. Oh. It's so awesome!" Before I could finish working my way around his body for bruises he tackled me to ground and hugged me purring loudly. "I'M NOT BROKEN!"

I lay on my back on the cold floor with Jake's small, hot body clamped against mine, lying full length on me and purring breathlessly. The Swan Lake music ran on.

It was so hard not to get aroused by this. I remembered his statement earlier "Am I not hot enough to be made love to?" I still wanted to prove him wrong. He sat up and hovered over me on wobbling arms and smiled as he panted sweat running down his face.

His pink cheeks flushed scarlet and he looked like he was about to faint. I laid a hand on his chest, over the thumping heart, and rubbed it slowly. I could feel the heat of his skin through the red T-shirt. "Don't be scared, kitten. It's all right. You're safe. John's got you."  
He turned his blushing head in a cat motion and nuzzled my arm. His hands came up like paws. I could see them trembling. I stroked down over the soft belly, making him shudder, stopped just short of the hot bulge in his tight little shorts, and started to inch the t-shirt up. A glimpse of milky skin appeared, damp with sweat and fluttering with each breath and shiver.

His small hands latched onto mine and tried to push it away. "John, you dun wanna see me... "

"Kitten, I've already seen you. You forget I gave you bed baths when you were too weak to move." I slid my hand up under the damp t-shirt. He was very hot. "Seen..loved...and lusted after." I traced spirals on his chest. "I'd have taken you there and then if you hadn't been so sick."

"W...Wouldn't have minded.. .ohh..." His grip on my hand relaxed and I managed to get his arms over his head and peel the t-shirt all the way off. He lay under me in nothing but his dance shoes and the skimpy shorts. The most beautiful little torso was revealed, lithe and lightly muscled but softer than most boys. His skin was smooth, with just the slightest dusting of dark fluff on the chest and a little glory trail leading the eye from the belly button down.

Suddenly he went tense again and his arms crossed over his chest. "How kin you like me? I'm hairy.. I should've pulled it all out..."

"Don't be a silly kitten. You wouldn't be Misto without a few fluffies. I've been wanting to stroke this little bit for ages and hear you purr..." I stroked the soft fuzz upwards with the back of my hand and he obliged with an adoring purr.

"Besides," I added, "it reassures me that I'm not *actually* fucking an underage boy..which your pretty baby face might otherwise lead me to believe..."

"I d... dun look too young?"

"Perfect, kitten. Perfect in every way."

It was hot in the studio and our bodies when pressed together had heat radiating off them. Jake's tears were streaming though. A stream of innocent tears. He smiled weakly. "Perfect.....You said I was perfect...even with everything that is wrong with me.."

"Wrong with you? Wrong with you? I don't see anything wrong with you. Maybe if I look in here..." Smiling, I stroked down and undid the zipper on his shorts. It made no sound over the music. "Ohh, no. Definitely nothing wrong here."

He blushed and stared at me. I think he realized for the first time that I wasn't playing. That I seriously wanted to fuck him up and down. His eyes followed my hand and his lips opened letting a small rush of air through when I fondled it for the first time. His hands grabbing my arm. "Oh..John..I...woah..."  
"Shh, baby." I kissed his lips. "It's alright.. you're safe.." I kissed his panting throat and felt him swallow anxiously. "And you're beautiful... all over...every part..." I trailed kisses down his chest and stomach, looking up at him seductively as I sank closer and closer down to his virgin cock.

He took in a shakey breath as I nuzzled the throbbing organ. His eyes widened with fear or want as I grinned and kissed it. "Good Jakie, mmmm my perfect little boy...this is beautiful.." In reality it was bigger than mine. I had been beaten. I was in shock. The little boy was bigger than *me* naturally. Oh well, bet he tasted good. "Tell me Jake, how well do you think you taste?"

"Taste? I..." He took a deep breath and his chest heaved. "Scared, John..."

"Shhh, kitten, don't be scared. All boys taste a little different..shhh.." I reached up and stroked his stomach. "Easy does it. No need to get into a panic attack."

He pulled a nervous face and gulped as if *he* was about to give *me* a blow job, and not the other way around. I stroked down his sides, feeling the shape of him between my hands, and gently slid his shorts and his tight little briefs all the way down. His aroused cock curved against his stomach, flushed and trembling, with a pearl of precum already oozing from the tip.

"Mmm I think someone might need to be reassured." He nodded quickly expecting to get cuddles. I just gently caught the little spot of precum onto my finger and climbed up beside him. He looked at me like I was crazy. "Go on, like Jakie..it tastes good."

He looked at my hand almost sorrowfully, caught hold of it with both of his and lifted his lips to it as if he was going to kiss it. He closed his eyes. His pink catlike tongue came out, licked hesitantly, flickered back, then licked again, deliciously. "Tastes good..." he whispered, with his eyes still closed.

I smiled and kissed his lips afterwards and sunk back down. "More comes with that kitten, just let Tugger do the work." I stroked back down his thighs and he shivered throwing his head back mouth opening in a long pleasure filled moan. I mmmed against his stomach and went down a little lower trying to decide what to do to him. I decided to just give him some mouth to cock fondling.

I licked a slow line up to the tip of his cock and just kissed it. It throbbed almost painfully at the kiss. I nuzzled my cheek against it and then started to lick. Anyone who's seen the video knows how long and agile my tongue is. Jakie's fingers clenched and then stretched and his body arched against the floor.

He was making actual cat noises and convulsing. At one point I thought he was going to hurt himself. I looked up and saw his eyes clenched shut and biting his lip hard. He was close. This was a newbie. A virgin getting his first climax. His first arousal. Sweat was pouring down Jake's face puddling on the ground. This was an amazing show. And I was getting a snack with it. His hips started to buck and I had to hold them down to keep from getting an eye poked out.

No one else except for me had ever gotten to see this. No one. I had a feeling not even Michael. I was the *first* to see Magical Mr. Mistoffelees butt naked on the floor withering in pleasure. He was under my control. Completely helpless and unable to control his body.

His hands came up and pawed the air in ecstasy, cat-fashion. Such expressive little gestures. I could almost see his claws going in and out.

I grinned. I was causing this. I sat up on my elbows and hovered over his hard cock and went down on it. He shrieked sitting up doing a stomach crunch and falling back his head hit the dance floor. "DEAR GOD...JOOHHHN!" One suckle later and I felt his body start to shake and tremble. He was grabbing air and bucking his hips in complete pleasure. His hair was glistening with sweat his eyes opened slightly to slits and tears streamed as his head flew back again lips opening revealing a hot red mouth.

Then his body went rigid, I felt the muscles in his thighs tighten and go into spasms under my hands, and he released. He sobbed out over and over, almost in pain, and pulse after pulse of milky fluid filled my mouth. There was so much of it. He tasted purer than other boys, just faintly salty and faintly sweet, like you think cum ought to taste before you've tasted it.

He collapsed back at last, still gasping and moaning in rhythm, astonished sounds. His arms were flung out above his head, palms upwards, in an almost theatrical gesture of surrender. His eyes were almost closed, just a dark glimmer under his long lashes, and his mouth was open. The red lips looked softer and fuller than ever. His chest was heaving and I could see the beat of his heart.

I crawled up his body and stroked and kissed the tears of pleasure from his flushed cheeks. His brown eyes opened fully and two more tears welled up. "John?" he whispered dazedly. "Can we just stay here forever? I want it to be now forever.. I'm happy..." He took a couple of big breaths and the tears streamed. That strange look was on his face again; so happy it was almost sorrowful.

I ruffled his hair and just looked down at him for a minute, shaking my head and smiling. "Kitten," I said, "if we make it now *forever*, you'll never find out what I plan to do to you tonight..."


End file.
